What to do when you're emotionally challenged.

Being a very sensitive child, it came as no surprise to me that I would work in a field that studied and learned how to deal with negative emotions. In my early adult years, I would often find myself in some very deep and dark emotional states and could never seem to get out of them at will. The negative emotions fed a negative stream of thought, which would in turn magnify the dark emotions and I would feel trapped and almost suffocated, having to reside with this dark monster within me for long periods. I would usually turn to alcohol and/or drugs to alleviate the pain but at the time, I didn’t realise I was running, I just thought I was having a good time.

Fortunately for me, my desire for a better existence was strong and I discovered a way to transform myself. What I’m about to share with you here, if undertaken, will literally transform any negative emotion you experience, into a positive and balanced state. Some emotions will take longer than others to transform, and that’s usually because you’re dealing with a very deep wound, but they can all be transformed. The more you practice doing this, the easier it will become.

If you were to look at your life in any given moment, you would discover that, not only is it an internal experience, but also you never actually know what is going on outside of you. I know that sounds a bit strange; so allow me to elaborate. From your point of view, there is no outside - yes life is happening outside of you of course, but you only ever know it inside of you. Everything you look at is happening within your brain, everything you hear is also happening within your brain, what you touch, feel, and smell are all happening inside of you. Your entire experience of reality is happening inside of you all the time - there is no outside, from your point of view!

All the people you know, are going on inside of you, from your point of view of course, even the people you are intimate with are an internal experience for you.

What this then shows you is that your entire life experience is happening inside of you and therefore is you. You are everything you think life is, because it all happens inside of you, so it must be you. So when something that you think happens on the outside upsets you, you now know that the upset didn’t come from the outside, it came from the inside, because there isn’t an outside for you, not ever. By now I’m sure you’re thinking: ‘but I didn’t make him or her do that, they really did that and it really upset me,’ and you’d be right to think that but here’s the kicker. All of the stuff that goes on for you that causes emotional pain within you, has been within you from day one and it’s been waiting for the ‘right’ time to bring itself forward for you to heal it, and the only way it can do it is via other people.

Life is a big flux of energy

Life is a big flux of energy that we’re all connected to, and each of us has a particular vibration that is made up of all the different patterns that exist within our personality, most of which are hidden in our unconscious. The way the unconscious brings our attention to the imbalances within, is by attracting other people, with matching vibrations in that particular context. When these people meet, they will then play out the pattern for each other, so they can both get conscious of what needs healing within.

What that means is that the emotional imbalance within you, causes you to meet the “perfect" person who will treat you in a way that will get you to be able to see the emotional imbalance within yourself. 

The challenge is that when it happens, you are having to deal with a very painful emotion which, to you, doesn’t look like it’s coming from within you, but rather from the other person. It always looks and feels like the other person was the one who upset you, but all they are actually doing, is triggering an imbalanced pattern within you, which then brings the imbalance conscious for you. That’s the reason it hurts, because you just wouldn’t bother doing the work if it didn’t. Your emotional pains are your guiding angels in disguise.

What most people then do, is blame the outer situation or person for the pain they are feeling. This gives an immediate relief because they feel justified and then move into their righteous stance. The ego doesn’t believe that it could possibly be responsible for such pain, which is why it projects the cause of the pain out. As long as this keeps happening, the real cause of the pain will never be healed and it will repeat again and again even if you change partners or friends, to try and get you to heal your internal wound.

The only way to heal the wound is to take full responsibility for the pain, and this is the process to get to the healing.

There are 3 simple steps:

  1. Take responsibility for the emotional pain you are feeling. What this means is that no matter how you think you’ve arrived at the pain you are feeling, you don’t blame anyone or anything for it. You say to yourself, this is my pain, it’s obviously mine because I’m the one feeling it. It came from within me, not from outside of me. (Remember there is no outside, from your point of view, so it must have come from within you.) Even if it only happened after your partner or your boss or friend said or did a certain thing, still take it on board that it’s there because something deep within you wants healing, and it’s miraculously manifested this event to get you to it. Also realise that when emotional pain comes to be healed, its only there at this time in your life because you are now mature enough to heal it, so congratulate yourself.
  2. Balance the self-judgement. There will be a strong tendency, no matter why you think you are in pain, to then judge yourself for having the pain - ‘what’s the matter with me? Why can’t I get it together etc etc’. Step back and say to yourself, it’s ok to have this pain because it’s here. I’m supposed to have this pain, how do I know that? because I have it, it couldn’t possibly be another way or it would be. This is simple but profoundly powerful. Don’t fight with the reality you’re in, it has to be the way it is because it is this way, so take off your judgement of yourself and let it be what it is. When you do this there is no longer a fight within; which means you can then look at the actual emotion that needs healing. If you keep needing it to be different,  you can’t see  the message of the discomfort that wants your attention. Let it be what it is, knowing this is the way to your healing and expansion.
  3. Feel the feeling! Many clients say to me that they are already feeling the feeling because it’s so painful, and my response is always the same -‘Emotional pain is a resistance to feeling.' If you have an emotion that you don’t like, and then tell it you don’t want it to be there - it can’t move, and that’s where the pain is. So here’s what to do: talk to the feeling and say something like, "you can stay here as long as you want, I’m not going to fight you anymore.” I’m sorry I tried to get rid of you, I now realise you’re only trying to help me, so now show me what you’re all about.” Then totally relax and let the feeling do whatever it wants to do, take all the resistance away from the feeling and let it expand. When you do this correctly, you’ll feel amazing. Sometimes I laugh out loud as it leaves. If the pain is still there, you’re still resisting the feeling, so repeat the process.

One last important point - stay out of the story about why you think you have the pain. The above 3 steps will not work effectively if you keep going to your story and want to blame the other. You must get off that to find the expansion and healing for yourself.

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